200+ Clever Replies to “When Are You Having Kids?” That’ll Leave Them Speechless

So, you’re just trying to enjoy a family dinner, a casual coffee, or even a quiet scroll through social media—and bam—someone drops the classic: “When are you having kids?”
Whether it’s a nosy aunt, a friend with parenting advice you didn’t ask for, or a coworker trying to make small talk, this question always shows up where it’s least welcome.

Some ask out of habit, others out of pressure, and a few just can’t help themselves. But guess what? You don’t owe anyone an explanation. This article is packed with comebacks that are funny, smart, savage, and straight-up ice cold—so you can shut down the baby talk and keep your peace.

Let’s start with the lighter side of things…

🟢 Friendly & Funny Comebacks to “When Are You Having Kids?”

Sometimes the best way to handle the question is with a dash of humor and a wink. These playful replies get the point across without starting a family feud.

1. I’m still mastering the art of keeping houseplants alive.
2. Right after I adopt a dragon. 🐉
3. When Netflix runs out of things to binge.
4. I’m building suspense—like a good cliffhanger.
5. We’re still waiting for the stars to align… and for a full night’s sleep.
6. My inner child isn’t ready to raise an outer child.
7. We have a 5-year plan. We’re just not sure what year we’re starting.
8. First, I want to learn how to fold fitted sheets.
9. We tried asking the Magic 8 Ball. It said, “Ask again later.”
10. Right after I finish eating this slice of pizza.
11. I’m practicing on Sims. Still lost three toddlers to fire.
12. When the government starts handing out free babysitters.
13. I need to train a puppy first… or maybe a rock.
14. Still deciding between a kid and a kayak.
15. I’d have to stop napping for that, right?
16. We’re still in the prototype phase.
17. I’ve got commitment issues—with alarm clocks, let alone parenting.
18. When diaper prices drop below cryptocurrency.
19. We’re on the fence… the very, very comfy fence.
20. I’m just here to enjoy other people’s kids and give them back.
21. We’ve got enough chaos without a tiny boss running things.
22. I’m in my “just vibes” era.
23. Honestly? I’m still recovering from being a kid myself.
24. We’re waiting for a sign. So far, it says “Do Not Disturb.”
25. I’d rather raise plants—they don’t talk back.
26. First I need to raise my credit score.
27. Let’s start with keeping a goldfish alive.
28. My imaginary child is doing great, thanks!
29. I’m saving for a Tesla, not tuition.
30. We’re in a committed relationship—with freedom.
31. Ask again after I master cooking without burning toast.
32. The dog already thinks he’s the baby.
33. When I find a parenting manual that actually works.
34. Not sure—waiting for the stork to text me back.
35. I’m still figuring out how to adult.
36. I’m just trying to keep my houseplants alive and my emails under control.
37. Kids? I can barely commit to a gym membership.
38. Still recovering from my own childhood.
39. After I finish my world tour (aka two local vacations).
40. Not today, Satan.
41. We’re letting our sleep schedule decide.
42. I tried babysitting once. I’m still in therapy.
43. We’re waiting for the right moon phase.
44. It’s on our list… somewhere under “watch paint dry.”
45. Just as soon as I find the snooze button on adulthood.
46. When my coffee starts working as birth control.
47. We’re letting the universe decide… and it’s ghosting us.
48. I already have enough responsibilities—like choosing a streaming service.
49. I’m in a long-term relationship with naps.
50. Our kid would probably parent us. 😅

🟡 Smart & Witty Replies to “When Are You Having Kids?”

These clever comebacks will shut down the question without raising your voice. They’re respectful, articulate, and full of quiet strength.

1. I believe in making intentional choices—not impulsive ones.
2. That’s a personal journey, not a group project.
3. Timing is everything, and I trust mine.
4. Some people chase timelines—I build my own.
5. I’m investing in myself first. Kids might come later.
6. Parenting deserves thought, not pressure.
7. I admire parents, but I won’t become one just to meet expectations.
8. Let’s normalize not asking deeply personal questions.
9. I’d rather wait than rush into the most important decision of my life.
10. That’s something I’ll share when I’m ready—if ever.
11. Not every path includes children, and that’s perfectly valid.
12. I respect parents enough to know I’m not ready yet.
13. Thanks for your curiosity—I’ll let you know if I need parenting tips.
14. Some people dream of weddings, others of boardrooms—I dream of freedom.
15. I’m exploring purpose in different ways right now.
16. Having kids is a choice, not an obligation.
17. Some people find fulfillment in family. I’m still finding mine.
18. I’m nurturing ideas before I nurture lives.
19. Happiness doesn’t only come in diaper form.
20. I choose to pause before committing to the hardest job in the world.
21. Children deserve readiness—not societal pressure.
22. I’m not in a race to replicate anyone else’s timeline.
23. Some of us are still figuring out how to feed ourselves on time.
24. I prefer to have kids if and when I feel fully aligned.
25. Let’s celebrate choices—not interrogate them.
26. I’d rather answer questions about my passions than my reproductive plans.
27. Family looks different for everyone.
28. I have dreams to raise before I raise a child.
29. Society might rush, but I trust slow growth.
30. Kids are a blessing—not a checkbox.
31. I’m still building a home within myself.
32. That topic deserves more depth than a dinner table exchange.
33. I think deeply about what legacy means.
34. I’m open to different kinds of fulfillment.
35. I’d rather be questioned for thinking than praised for following the crowd.
36. The world’s changing fast—so are our choices.
37. It’s refreshing to be asked what I want instead of what I’m supposed to do.
38. My priorities include peace, purpose, and self-respect.
39. I’ve met amazing people who never had kids. That’s inspiring.
40. I’m already mentoring people—I just don’t feed them Cheerios.
41. Parenthood is beautiful. It’s also not for everyone.
42. My story isn’t missing anything—it’s just different.
43. Every life has meaning—even those that don’t lead to diapers.
44. We’re all just figuring it out. Kids or no kids.
45. I’m doing life on my terms.
46. I’m focusing on building stability before responsibility.
47. Parenting is a lifelong promise. I won’t make it lightly.
48. I believe in conscious parenting. Step one: be conscious.
49. If I ever do it, I want to be fully present—not pressured.
50. Curiosity is natural. So is setting boundaries.

🔴 Savage & Brutal Replies to “When Are You Having Kids?”

For those who keep pushing your buttons, here are the bold replies that draw a line and hold it with confidence. 🔥

1. Maybe after people stop asking the same tired question.
2. I’ll have kids the moment you mind your own business.
3. Funny how people without boundaries always ask that.
4. I’m too busy dodging judgment to raise a child.
5. I’m not breeding for your approval.
6. Not everyone’s dream involves burp cloths.
7. If your personality was a child, I’d leave it at daycare.
8. How about you raise your standards before I raise a baby?
9. I’d rather have peace than pacifiers.
10. If parenting turns people into you, I’m out.
11. I’d explain my life plans, but I don’t report to strangers.
12. Because I prefer freedom over unsolicited opinions.
13. You should really write a book: 101 Inappropriate Questions.
14. Not planning on adding to the population of nosy people.
15. I’d answer, but I don’t reward intrusive behavior.
16. When your life becomes interesting enough that you stop obsessing over mine.
17. If I wanted unsolicited advice, I’d talk to a wall.
18. I didn’t know my uterus was your business.
19. I’m not here to meet your idea of “complete.”
20. I’ll have a kid right after I unfriend you in real life.
21. I’d rather skip the diaper phase and stay sane.
22. If being a parent means becoming you, hard pass.
23. Having a kid sounds easier than enduring this conversation.
24. I already have a full-time job managing rude people.
25. I’m allergic to expectations.
26. Your concern is noted—and ignored.
27. Keep your questions in the 1950s where they belong.
28. Because I don’t want to raise someone who might grow up to ask this question.
29. Thanks for reminding me why I love being child-free.
30. I’m not a factory for your ideal family portrait.
31. I’d rather adopt a cactus. Less prickly than your attitude.
32. That’s cute—you think you’re entitled to my plans.
33. I’m focusing on not becoming bitter like you.
34. I prefer intelligent conversations over nosy ones.
35. My body, my timeline, my silence.
36. You’re not invited to the decision-making table.
37. This isn’t a town hall. It’s my life.
38. I’m not here to justify my happiness to you.
39. If kids are supposed to fix people, maybe you should’ve had more.
40. Go raise your standards before telling me to raise kids.
41. I’m not trying to impress a Facebook comment section.
42. That’s between me and my future therapist.
43. I’m building a legacy—not a mini-me.
44. I’d rather raise awareness than raise a child.
45. Honestly, I’d rather have a nap.
46. Are you offering to pay for daycare? No? Then move along.
47. You bring this up like it’s your job—do you get paid to be nosy?
48. I’m on the “mind your business” plan.
49. My timeline doesn’t need your input.
50. The next person who asks is getting a babysitting bill.

⚫ Short & Cold Replies to “When Are You Having Kids?”

These are deadpan, one-liner replies that hit hard without saying much at all.

1. Not anytime soon.
2. That’s private.
3. Not your concern.
4. Not sure.
5. Ask again never.
6. Still deciding.
7. That’s not a priority.
8. Don’t know. Don’t care.
9. Not discussing that.
10. That’s a bit personal.
11. I’ll let you know.
12. When I feel like it.
13. Not yet.
14. That’s between me and my partner.
15. Let’s change the subject.
16. I’m good for now.
17. Haven’t planned for that.
18. We’re taking our time.
19. It’s not on the agenda.
20. It’s not that simple.
21. You ask a lot of questions.
22. Not happening.
23. That’s complicated.
24. I’d rather not say.
25. Too early to talk.
26. Can we not?
27. Timing isn’t right.
28. We’re undecided.
29. Not anyone’s business.
30. Don’t want to talk about it.
31. Let’s not go there.
32. Still thinking.
33. That’s off limits.
34. I’ll cross that bridge later.
35. Not part of the plan.
36. That’s a conversation for another day.
37. Haven’t thought about it much.
38. You ask like it’s a deadline.
39. Not sure that’s relevant.
40. I’d rather skip that question.
41. No rush.
42. It’s a sensitive topic.
43. We’re on our own timeline.
44. Not ready yet.
45. Maybe someday.
46. Still up in the air.
47. That’s all I’ll say.
48. Not happening anytime soon.
49. Let’s move on.
50. End of story.

❓ Frequently Asked Questions

What are good responses to “When are you having kids?”
Good replies can range from friendly jokes to firm boundaries. You might say, “I’m still enjoying sleeping in”, or go with something stronger like, “That’s a personal topic I don’t discuss.”

Is it rude to ask someone when they’re having children?
Yes, it often is. Many people find the question intrusive, especially if they’re dealing with personal, financial, or medical concerns. It’s better to let someone bring it up if they’re comfortable.

How do I shut down nosy family questions at dinner?
Use polite, direct comebacks like “Let’s talk about something we all enjoy” or “That’s not something I want to get into right now.” Keeping your tone calm makes a big impact.

Can I use humor to deflect questions about kids?
Absolutely! A little humor goes a long way. Try lines like “Still trying to master adulting first!” or “I’ll consider it when plants stop dying under my care.”

Why do people keep asking me about having kids?
Often it’s out of habit, tradition, or curiosity. But that doesn’t mean you owe anyone an answer. You have every right to protect your peace and choose your timing—or skip the topic altogether.

🧩 Final Thoughts

Thanks for sticking around! Life is full of choices, and deciding when—or if—you want to have children is deeply personal. These comebacks are here to help you keep your cool, protect your space, or speak your truth when those invasive questions come up.

We hope this list gave you a smile, a bit of courage, or the perfect line for your next family gathering. Everyone’s path looks different, and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.

💬 Got a great comeback we missed? Or facing a tricky question and need help crafting a response? We’d love to hear from you — drop us a message.

🔔 This list grows over time, so don’t forget to bookmark the page and come back later.

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Stan

Hi, I’m Stan — the guy behind WitBurst. I’m a former software developer who swapped code for comebacks, building this site to help people say what they wish they’d said. I write every article myself, blending humor, wit, and a little fire to give you real responses for real moments. If it’s awkward, rude, or just plain ridiculous — I’ve probably written a reply for it.

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